Dear Cats,
I would like to thank you for all the years of comfort and companionship you have provided. You are all unique and very special, and I love each and every one of you. However, there are some issues I would like to address.
It is not necessary to do that as soon as I clean out the litter box. You have the other 23 hours and 50 minutes a day. And why, pray tell, must you do it both in the mornings after cleaning, and in the evenings after cleaning? If it were the same cat every time, I would just change cleaning times so as not to interfere with their regularity. Taking turns is not funny.
I do not need your help in the bathroom. I have been going by myself for many years now, and the world will not end if you are not in the bathroom with me. Just because I'm sitting down does not make it an appropriate time for you to jump in my lap. Demanding pets, rubbing on my legs, and playing with my shoelaces is also unacceptable bathroom behavior. And there is to be absolutely no more climbing into my pants! I don't want to see your kitty nose sticking up from inside my pant leg either!
While I appreciate you want to be near me, you have the whole damn house to sleep in, why do you have to sleep on my head? I can not breathe if your flab skirt is up my nose.
That is the same dog we have always had. He makes the same noise every night when he lays down. His huge sigh is not cause for alarm or a sign he's going to attack you. There is absolutely no need for you to dig claws into my scalp, puff up like a cotton ball, hiss, and use my face as a launching pad.
I don't expect you to catch, kill and eat bugs. However, what you do to a cricket is a violation of the Geneva Convention, not to mention disgusting. Stop it. Kill it or don't, but stop torturing it.
Thank you for the gift. However, I have a job and am able to buy food of my own. I appreciate the thought, but really ... you can have it.
It is not okay to use flatulence as jet propulsion to ease your leap onto the sofa.
I know exactly where your food bowls are, where the cat food is, and what time you should be fed. There is no need to run before me, constantly looking back over your shoulder and meowing piteously every time I walk by you. You'll be fed when it's time, and not a minute sooner. The bowl is not empty just because you can now almost see the bottom.
Stop staring at nothing on the walls and ceilings for hours at a time. It's creepy.
Of course you startle me when I wake up in the middle of the night and you are sitting inches from my face, staring wide-eyed at me. There's no need to look so put out when I shriek and jerk the covers up.
I appreciate the notice every time you see another cat, a bird, a squirrel, rain, snow, sunshine, passing cars, the mailman, or any other blessed thing that passes by our house. But please, please stop yowling like there's a tiger on the front porch at 3 a.m. every time a leaf blows by in the wind.
Hairballs are unappealing enough. Hocking them up right where my bare feet hit first thing in the morning is an unappreciated kitty practical joke.
We have a queen size bed. That's more than enough room for two adults. You have numerous kitty beds, comfy chairs and sofas to sleep on. Leaping on to the middle of the bed and sprawling out on your back is kitty sarcasm. And stop stealing the dogs' beds. It makes you look smug, and the dogs look silly using your kitty bed as a pillow.
I look forward to many more years of your loving companionship and I'm sure there will be many more catnip mice drowned in the water dish.
Love,
Your Mom
